I recently had a meltdown... which more specifically means I withdraw at home, not from the everyday running of the household or from my kids but definitely from my husband. I sigh. A LOT! I link up as many shitty things as I can, in my head, to justify me staying in my funk, like, "typical, the dog HAS to pee on my outdoor rug that cost me $400 that I have to work for X amount of time to earn, when we have 2.5 acres of land for him to pee on." ( I know, outdoor rug, it's ridiculous) And I keep a story in the forefront of my mind that involves me "failing" and all the repercussions of that, i.e. people I don't particularly like getting the satisfaction of knowing I failed, financial pressure and lets face it... embarassment.
So, when a girlfriend came up for a visit DURING my internal meltdown and I finally blurted out that I am terrified of failing... her somewhat shocked response was a welcome wake-up call. From her perspective I have all the fundamentals... all the stuff that will matter when you're on your deathbed and reflecting back on a life well lived. I have a working, nurturing relationship with a guy I really like as a person and whom I admire and respect. (yes, I love him but I actually think the liking part is even more important). I have two healthy kids, 3 dogs, a cat, a home I love, a healthy ageing parent who is not only involved in mine and my kids lives but who participates in working on herself and our relationship. I have good relationships with extended family and I have some really treasured friends. I am healthy and can feed myself and my family the healthiest, most nourishing food available and I live in an extraordinarily beautiful part of the world!
Is any of that what I am afraid of failing at? Of losing?
No, got that covered. Totally happy to weather the highs and lows of married life, of parenting, family relationships, veterinary emergencies et al. I don't have an "I never thought it would happen to me" attitude. I have dealt with the death of my father, major accident with my brother, emergency childbirth, dogs being run over, snakes in the house, flood... none of this causes me anxiety or ongoing worry BUT failing as a small business owner ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIES ME!!!!
What's with that?
I know it's all anchored in approval and my father and my brother and wanting to prove myself in THEIR arena. What really pisses me off is that the fact I have the fundamentals is BECAUSE my priorities were so different to what I thought my dad's were. He was a successful businessman, took risks and seemed fearless and yet at the end of his life was not content with the relationships in his life or his own vision for himself and his family. He worked so hard with the vision that coming from nothing and making a "something", i.e. a fortune, would equal happy him and happy family. I worked on relationships first and ironically was afforded the luxury of financial freedom to do so thanks to my dad, and yet now that I am venturing into his arena I am absolutely desperate to succeed based on some ridiculous rating system that I don't even agree with.
I am out of my funk now, thankfully. I managed to get 75% of the way with a change of mindset but am a little annoyed at myself that some wins at work also helped. As Danielle la Porte says "why do you want what you want?" It's a great question to keep asking yourself.
So, how do you define success?
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