LEARN TO DISCERN

If I had to sum up the BIG recurring lesson when parenting my daughter in 2011, it was for her to LEARN to DISCERN when choosing friends and playmates. To CHOOSE her friends not just be chosen and be too concerned with offending them to set reasonable boundaries around how she is treated and what it means to be “a friend”.

Last week I had a client come in for a session and express her heartache and frustration with her 4.5 year old experiencing the same. A more dominant character basically picked her daughter and said she would be her “best friend” if her daughter fetched her hat and drink bottle every day at recess and lunch time... and threatens to terminate said “friendship” if she refuses.

This weekend I met with a colleague who has a 10 year old daughter who has been “going out” with a boy at her school for a year.  She was sending Mills and Boon style emails regarding her undying affection to him, with him returning her affection and encouraging her to lie to her mother to come to his house so they can be “together”. My son (also 10) asked her... while they played in the river and threw mud at each other and generally behaved like CHILDREN... what she liked about him, because he has been really nasty to her when his friends tell him to be, and he isn’t well liked amongst the other boys as he bullies and makes fun of others to get a laugh.

“He’s nice to me and he likes me”

Before school age children’s primary source of learning is modelled within the home. They build and come to understand their sense of self, what it means to be a girl/ boy, how to treat others, what “love” looks like, social interaction, manners, right and wrong etc.

Within a month of my daughter starting prep (K), I dissolved a business partnership with a person whose daughter was at the same school, whom my daughter had been encouraged to be friends with. I had my own crisis of confidence regarding my ability to discern and “trust” my instincts re people (which I had gone against when entering into the partnership in the first place). So I own the fact that she received a lot of mixed messages from me and witnessed (and thus learned like it or not) me beat myself up over the events.

My client similarly struggles with setting boundaries around relationships and has modelled this within the home and socially with family and friends. No surprises then that her eldest is following suit.

My friend is one of the most talented artists I have ever known but is also the most hopeless romantic I have come across who likes nothing better than to escape into a delusional fantasy a la the Twilight series (book and movies), Pride and Prejudice, Withering Heights, the Notebook etc etc all of which her daughter has read and adores. However, her reality is very different to that fantasy and what is lacking is the understanding that you TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU.

People only treat you badly if you let them and often we ALL, not just the kids among us, end up with “friendships by default” where we don’t like who we are with that person or we don’t express ourselves honestly for fear of what? Being alone? Not being popular? Teaching my daughter that being vulnerable is human and scary but vulnerability is actually what we are seeking in a true friend. The ability to take risks, be yourself, agree to disagree and for the dynamic between you to shift back and forth not just be a one-way street.

Below is the fabulous Brene Brown speaking at a TED conference regarding vulnerability and also a link to an organisation offering resources for you to help your daughter or son if they experience some of what is discussed above. www.gapraconnect.com