What's your BF?

I absolutely love this image and message... It helps me laugh at myself and the lunacy of some of the things I/ we fear and repeat.

I came home from work the other night to my husband and my son butting heads... more of that later, first a little background info.
My hubby is an interesting combination; South African, super sporty, super nerdy/ smart and approval seeker extaordinaire!  If a teacher told him to do something, he DID IT, BY THE BOOK. He loathes other people's disapproval whether he knows them and values their input or not.
Back to the head butting... Our son's teacher has stipulated that each student must do 20 minutes reading every night on top of homework and hubby (who was and still is an avid reader, as is daughter) doesn't feel that son is doing it consistently enough and when asked didn't even know where his novel was. Shocking! Hubby was irate, felt like he couldn't get through, kept walking away and coming back to say something else that son wouldn't hear anyway because he stopped listening when the shouting started (just like his dad does!). When he finally walked away to speak with me in the kitchen the "BIG FEAR"(BF) that was driving the emotion and frustration came tumbling out and it went something like this:
Me: Babe, is you hassling him getting you further away or closer to your desired outcome?
Him: What would you have me do, just give up on him EVER being a reader?
Me: Is that true? He's not a reader? He reads. A lot actually. He just doesn't read like you or daughter. You're making comparisons and that sucks for him.
Him: I'm not! He doesn't even know what he is reading, he obviously hasn't picked up his novel in so long that he can't find it anymore...
Me: and that means?.... that you think he'll never read a novel and he'll never amount to anything because if he is not doing it at 10 years old it's never going to happen? (BF)  Remember a couple years ago when I was like this around what he ate? My BF being if he is not eat organic leafy green vegetables and lots of exotic foods like I do and his sister does, then he'll still be eating egg in hole when he's 20! Now he has green smoothies every day, grows herbs and lettuce, eats almost all veg, he just prefers them raw, which is better for him anyway.
Son reads reference books every evening. Has primate, wildlife, amphibian books plus all the Guinness books and Ripley's believe it or not books that he looks up animals, draws them and writes up their stats, researches insects on the internet, printed out 3 pages on ants the other day and read every bit of it. Why is that not as valid as a novel?
Him: (walks away to think)
10 minutes later....
Him: I hadn't thought of that. He does love reading those books and it IS still reading, even if his teacher says novels (approval).
Hubby went and apologised to son, as a parent should when he realises he has handled something badly. Showing our fears and failings is one of the best lessons we can teach our kids, and teaching forgiveness, of ourselves and toward each other is a more important skill than any book can teach.

Do you have a fear you're holding onto? One that keeps you behaving in a way that you would prefer not to? Share your story on my Integrated Life Facebook page

How do you define success?

I recently had a meltdown... which more specifically means I withdraw at home, not from the everyday running of the household or from my kids but definitely from my husband. I sigh. A LOT! I link up as many shitty things as I can, in my head, to justify me staying in my funk, like, "typical, the dog HAS to pee on my outdoor rug that cost me $400 that I have to work for X amount of time to earn, when we have 2.5 acres of land for him to pee on." ( I know, outdoor rug, it's ridiculous) And I keep a story in the forefront of my mind that involves me "failing" and all the repercussions of that, i.e. people I don't particularly like getting the satisfaction of knowing I failed, financial pressure and lets face it... embarassment.
So, when a girlfriend came up for a visit DURING my internal meltdown and I finally blurted out that I am terrified of failing... her somewhat shocked response was a welcome wake-up call. From her perspective I have all the fundamentals... all the stuff that will matter when you're on your deathbed and reflecting back on a life well lived. I have a working, nurturing relationship with a guy I really like as a person and whom I admire and respect. (yes, I love him but I actually think the liking part is even more important). I have two healthy kids, 3 dogs, a cat, a home I love, a healthy ageing parent who is not only involved in mine and my kids lives but who participates in working on herself and our relationship. I have good relationships with extended family and I have some really treasured friends. I am healthy and can feed myself and my family the healthiest, most nourishing food available and I live in an extraordinarily beautiful part of the world!
Is any of that what I am afraid of failing at? Of losing?
No, got that covered. Totally happy to weather the highs and lows of married life, of parenting, family relationships, veterinary emergencies et al. I don't have an "I never thought it would happen to me" attitude. I have dealt with the death of my father, major accident with my brother, emergency childbirth, dogs being run over, snakes in the house, flood... none of this causes me anxiety or ongoing worry BUT failing as a small business owner ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIES ME!!!!
What's with that?
I know it's all anchored in approval and my father and my brother and wanting to prove myself in THEIR arena. What really pisses me off is that the fact I have the fundamentals is BECAUSE my priorities were so different to what I thought my dad's were. He was a successful businessman, took risks and seemed fearless and yet at the end of his life was not content with the relationships in his life or his own vision for himself and his family. He worked so hard with the vision that coming from nothing and making a "something", i.e. a fortune, would equal happy him and happy family. I worked on relationships first and ironically was afforded the luxury of financial freedom to do so thanks to my dad, and yet now that I am venturing into his arena I am absolutely desperate to succeed based on some ridiculous rating system that I don't even agree with.
I am out of my funk now, thankfully. I managed to get 75% of the way with a change of mindset but am a little annoyed at myself that some wins at work also helped. As Danielle la Porte says "why do you want what you want?" It's a great question to keep asking yourself.
So, how do you define success?

LEARN TO DISCERN

If I had to sum up the BIG recurring lesson when parenting my daughter in 2011, it was for her to LEARN to DISCERN when choosing friends and playmates. To CHOOSE her friends not just be chosen and be too concerned with offending them to set reasonable boundaries around how she is treated and what it means to be “a friend”.

Last week I had a client come in for a session and express her heartache and frustration with her 4.5 year old experiencing the same. A more dominant character basically picked her daughter and said she would be her “best friend” if her daughter fetched her hat and drink bottle every day at recess and lunch time... and threatens to terminate said “friendship” if she refuses.

This weekend I met with a colleague who has a 10 year old daughter who has been “going out” with a boy at her school for a year.  She was sending Mills and Boon style emails regarding her undying affection to him, with him returning her affection and encouraging her to lie to her mother to come to his house so they can be “together”. My son (also 10) asked her... while they played in the river and threw mud at each other and generally behaved like CHILDREN... what she liked about him, because he has been really nasty to her when his friends tell him to be, and he isn’t well liked amongst the other boys as he bullies and makes fun of others to get a laugh.

“He’s nice to me and he likes me”

Before school age children’s primary source of learning is modelled within the home. They build and come to understand their sense of self, what it means to be a girl/ boy, how to treat others, what “love” looks like, social interaction, manners, right and wrong etc.

Within a month of my daughter starting prep (K), I dissolved a business partnership with a person whose daughter was at the same school, whom my daughter had been encouraged to be friends with. I had my own crisis of confidence regarding my ability to discern and “trust” my instincts re people (which I had gone against when entering into the partnership in the first place). So I own the fact that she received a lot of mixed messages from me and witnessed (and thus learned like it or not) me beat myself up over the events.

My client similarly struggles with setting boundaries around relationships and has modelled this within the home and socially with family and friends. No surprises then that her eldest is following suit.

My friend is one of the most talented artists I have ever known but is also the most hopeless romantic I have come across who likes nothing better than to escape into a delusional fantasy a la the Twilight series (book and movies), Pride and Prejudice, Withering Heights, the Notebook etc etc all of which her daughter has read and adores. However, her reality is very different to that fantasy and what is lacking is the understanding that you TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU.

People only treat you badly if you let them and often we ALL, not just the kids among us, end up with “friendships by default” where we don’t like who we are with that person or we don’t express ourselves honestly for fear of what? Being alone? Not being popular? Teaching my daughter that being vulnerable is human and scary but vulnerability is actually what we are seeking in a true friend. The ability to take risks, be yourself, agree to disagree and for the dynamic between you to shift back and forth not just be a one-way street.

Below is the fabulous Brene Brown speaking at a TED conference regarding vulnerability and also a link to an organisation offering resources for you to help your daughter or son if they experience some of what is discussed above. www.gapraconnect.com

New beginnings!

Up until today all my blog posts have been on my webpage The Integrated Life Centre... but I really love to follow a great blog and don't want the constraints of it being inevitably linked into my business. I'm a human being first, mum/wife second and psychotherapist/ clinical hypnotherapist third and I relish the opportunity to invite comment, stimulate conversation and link you up to some of MY fave bloggers and sites.
SO, Hi.
I'm Pettina, mum of two (school age) humans, wife of one, friend of many and I share my home with 4 four legged friends... whom I adore. My life is a work in progress... integrating so many aspects of life, sometimes I nail it and I basque in those wonderfully satisfying moments, others I am resisting what IS and I fully immerse myself in the stress that is generated as a result.
I have the best clients.. truly feel my work is a gift and I am taught every day as I help parents with self worth challenges, post natal, relationship struggles and teenagers trying to integrate as well as separate in this topsy turvy culture of distortions.
Love you to join the conversation...